


Nightmares

by TheSkyIsActuallyTeal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, M/M, Mixed Emotions, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:48:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1384792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSkyIsActuallyTeal/pseuds/TheSkyIsActuallyTeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is having nightmares about Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Insomnia

Sam's lips were soft and warm against his, his hair silky between his fingers. Dean breathed in everything he'd ever wanted in the form of Sam, and it smelled like hotel bar soap and gunpowder.  
Everything was warm and perfect then to his horror Sam suddenly recoiled violently and pushed Dean away from him.  
 _"What the fuck is wrong with you? "_ hissed Sam "are you really that sick and perverted Dean?  _trying to bone your own brother?_ _."_    
Dean's heart crept into his throat, he felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes and quickly blinked them back.

"Sammy please,I'm sorry-" He said, voice breaking.

Sam snorted "sorry? you're  _sorry?_ That's cute really"  
Dean stared up at his little brother, and took a step towards him.

"I-"  
Before he could finish, Sam shoved Dean to the floor and stood over him He lowered himself so his face was inches from his brother's.   
"I never want to see you again"   
 Sam hissed, breath hot on Dean's trembling face.   
"You disgust me Dean."   
With that Sam stood up and crushed Dean's fingers with the heel of his boot. It took everything in him not to scream.   
Sam laughed , a deep terrifying laugh that cut Dean to the bone.  
A big leather boot came down and everything went black. 

.......

Dean shot up, gasping and panting, heart hammering in his chest. He ran a hand through his short cropped hair and looked around the still dark motel room. Till his eyes fell on the glowing numbers of the alarm clock. 4:30, at least he'd slept longer this time. Groaning Dean sat up and freed his legs from the tangled sheets. He was about to stand up when his eyes fell on Sam.   
His sleeping face was lit up slightly by the greenish glow of the clock.

  Since he was little Sam had always slept turned towards Dean, so that he was always just an arms reach away. So that if anything happened, Dean would be right there.  
Seeing him now so peaceful so unlike the hateful Sam from his dream. Reminded Dean just why telling his brother how he felt was a fucking awful idea. 

He'd loved Sam for as long as he could remember, all those years hopping from town to town always on the road, Sam was all he'd ever had. Even before John told him, Dean already knew that he had to look out for his little brother, that he had to be there for him. Now Dean knew that that meant trying to give him a shot at a normal life, even if it meant he had to suffer. Dean had already decided that his happy ending was making sure Sammy had one.

Dean groaned and made his way slowly to the bathroom. He turned on the cold water and shivered as it touched the pale skin of his face. Dean looked at himself. His eyes were outlined by large grey circles and his cheeks sallow and colourless. Dean sighed heavily, he looked so different, like losing his soul had had a physical effect on him as well as an emotional one.

Having Sam die in his arms had been a huge wake up call, it really made him realize exactly how much he meant to him.   
In that moment Dean discovered that he physically  _could not_  live without Sam. Sure he'd missed him too much when he went off to Stanford. But that was nothing compared to the agony of watching the life leave Sam's beautiful hazel eyes, or having to carry his body away.   
Dean knew that Sam was pissed, but honestly he could really give less of a crap. The only thing that scared him about hell was that Sam wouldn't be there to help him through it.

 From the moment Mary brought Sam home from the hospital, and Dean held his little brother in his arms he knew it was going to be something special. Dean had been watching out for Sam his whole life. loving him, caring for him, but now, Dean was terrified he might be falling in love with him too. 

Some part of him realized that having a crush on his kid brother was probably wrong, and pretty much puke worthy to most god fearing americans, but a much bigger part of him didn't really care. Dean was tired of pretending, he was tired of ignoring the way his heart beats just a little faster when Sam is close. He is tired of catching himself staring at all the wrong moments, or falling in love with the way he smiles, and tucks that stupid long hair behind his ears. Most of all Dean is tired of wishing Sam wasn't his brother.

Dean daydreams sometimes, he imagines that Sam is just someone he met in a bar, or a waiter at a diner or anyone else really, anyone but Sam Winchester.  
He remembers a dusty memory from a highschool english class a long time ago. Back when Dean still thought he could be a rockstar someday.

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.

_Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other word would smell as sweet.'_

 

Dean normally wouldn't have rememered, his fast moving brain usually skips over things like this. But Sam had been in the school play that year. He had gotten the part of Romeo so Dean helped him go over his lines by reading as Juliet.   
Now it's all Dean can think of, if Sam just wasn't Sam Winchester everything could be ok, It's just the name that's the prolem.   
' _wherefore art thou Sam?''_ Thought Dean to himself at he looked back to his still sleeping brother. He walked over to his bed and lay down on his back, turning his head.

As if on cue, Sam's eyelids fluttered open and Dean quickly turned away in a failed attempt at pretending to be asleep. If Sam knew Dean was awake he didn't let on, Dean could hear him sit up and yawn loudly. Moaning as he stretched out his ridiculously long limbs.   
"Hey" he called at Dean, "Dude come on wake up, we need to be at the morgue in an hour"   
Dean stubbornly ignored him, until a pillow smacked him square in the chest.   
He groaned and turned over, purposely making a show.   
Sam sighed and proceeded to take the bedsheets and use then to dump Dean on the floor. "What the fuck man?" said Dean defensivley, leaping to his feet.   
Sam laughed, "come on sleeping beauty we got work to do"   
Dean smiled.  
"Bitch"  
"Jerk"

\---  



	2. Hey Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that it's taken me this long to update, but I've been stupid busy with summerschool and this week won't be any easier. This chapter is short, i know, the ext one will be longer ( and better) i promise but I had to give you guys something. So enjoy, feel free to leave comments and suggestions :)

Sam walked into the motel room and handed his brother a large cup of coffee and a doughnut. Dean smiled, as he looked up from the notes spread around him on the tiny, wobbling table and took them gratefully into his hands.  
"Awesome" he breathed into the cup as Sam sat down across from him, long body folding elegantly into the wooden chair.   
"So", Sam asked, leafing through the pages, "what we got?"   
After taking a large gulp of scalding coffee, Dean pulled up the face of a man on the laptop,   
"Fred Burgos, found dead in his aparment all doors and windows were locked, no signs of a forced entry."  
Sam nodded pensively   
"Cause of death?"   
Dean shook his head, cheeks puffed comedicaly "nope"

Sam ran a hand through his hair "of course not" he sighed into his palm

Dean smiled and took a sip of his coffee, "that's why little brother, we gotta suit up!"   
Sam chuckled and made his way to the bathroom where his cheap suit was hanging dejectedly half off of a broken hanger. He bundled it up in his arms headed back to Dean. Who was already in his underwear, long, pale bowlegs descending from a pair of loose grey boxer shorts. Leading up to a smooth brown expanse of skin he knew so well and yet didn't know at all. Sam knew where each scar was and the story behind it. Suddenly he imagined what it might be like to blaze a trail along them with his lips and tounge.The thought caught his so off guard that Sam felt his cheeks grow warm as he blushed feverishly. He tried to focus on tying is tie but kept fumbling with the dark grey material. Dean noticed his pitiful struggles and groaned irritably as he pulled the tie from Sam's hands. Gently and efficiently Dean pulled the tie into an effortless knot. "Honestly Sammy" he said with a chuckle smoothing out the lapels on Sam's suit jacket

"I almost thought you went to college or something." Sam snorted, painfully aware of the burning heat in his cheeks that doubled when Dean stood so close. The older winchester gave him a curious look.  
"Hey you ok man? You look really...red?" he asked raising an eyebrow.   
"It's fine" Sam's voice wavered, "I'm just..a bit ...hot." Dean snorted, "yeah ok whatever you say, hurry up  we gotta get to the morgue."   
Sam blushed harder and walked a little too quickly out to the car.

Sam looked across at his brother as they drove down the lonley morning road. The windows were rolled all the way down and the wind had whipped Sam's hair into a blinding frenzy, but even through the blur of dark brown strands he could see the exhaustion in Dean's eyes. He had been trying to hide it all morning, and guiltily, Sam admitted to himself that he had been trying to ignore it. Dean had sold his  _soul_  for him, he had every right to emotional baggage but no right to hide it from his own brother. Sam already felt guilty from the get go, but seeing Dean like this was just red hot pain that started in his chest and radiated out into his fingertips. 

"Hey.." Sam began gently words dancing on his lips "how much sleep did you get last night?"

Dean shifted uncomfortably, re-gripping the steering wheel with white knuckled hands, "enough" he said, worlds stumbling on their way. His freckles stood out in stark constast to the milky white of his sleep deprived face, the ghostly tone broken only by the dark smudges under his still glowing green eyes. Like some boyband guyliner gone wrong. Sam frowned seeing right through the false bravado his brother was attempting, he knew him better then that. He'd only seen Dean like this once before, and that was when they were just kids, that was when Dean had nightmares.

Sam remembered them vividly, waking up to Dean screaming in the middle of the night, screamig out for his father for Sam, ayone who could take the dreams away. He had had nightmares too, and Sam doubted there was a hunter on earth who wasn't haunted by the things they had seen and done. Nothing he had experienced even came close to Dean's nightmares. He remembered the exhaustion, the paranoia, and eventually the releif when it finally passed, but that was never for long.

His older brother had a bad habit of hiding his feelings of letting them build and build till his body just couldn't take the pressure and he exploded. Like a grenade of hell and fire spending sleepless nights crying silently, letting no one in, not even Sam. It physically hurt seeing Dean like this, knowing that he could be helped if for once in his life the stubborn son of a bitch would actually let someone help him. "Listen Dean don't even try lying to me, I can tell something's been eating you and I wish you'd just talk to..."

"I told you Sammy I'm fine, just couldn't sleep is all." said Dean. Every word was forced and a strained smile was painted across his brother's trembling lips "don't worry about me"

Sam laughed sharply  "don't worry about you? Dean in less than a year you're doing to burn i hell and i won't be able to stop it. How can I not worry about you? especially since you've been having nightmares again" Dean set his jaw defensilvey and flicked his eyes to Sam, for the first time since they'd stepped into the car. That one look was full of so much pain, and something Sam could've sworn was longing. 

"How do you? ..."  

Sam smiled sadly "I've been stuck with your stupid ass my whole life, I know you Dean" 

Dean shook his head and looked back out onto the road "yeah" he said hollowly "you do"

...

 

 


	3. Say It Ain't So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam breaks after a week and goes after his brother, what he finds is something else entirely.

    Dean new that leaving was probably absolutely the wrong thing to do in this situation but fuck he just had to get away, from Sam, and partially from the part of himself that was so obsessed with his brother. He just needed a few days, maybe a few girls to clear his head. Dean turned up the radio trying to block out the little voice in his head, telling him to go back to Sam, pretend like nothing happened, take his feelings and bury them six feet under where they belong. But this time he wanted to let it all out, for once he wanted to feel it all. A sort of detox, get Sam out of his system and then everything can go back to normal, piece of cake. Only Dean knew Sam would be looking for him, and his little brother was no rookie. It would probably take roughly four maybe five days for Sam to catch up, and that's if he's careful about it. A week, Dean sighed to himself, a week to get my head on right and then life can go on as normal, keep moving forward, just like always.

...

    The minute Sam woke up he new his brother was gone. He kept his eyes closed a second longer, in the hollow hope that he would open them to a sleeping Dean in the opposite bed. A very quiet sleeping Dean. With a mournful groan Sam flicked open his eyes and found Dean's bed neatly made with what else but a note on the pillow. Sam didn't know why he'd expected anything else, his older brother had a nasty habit of ditching when shit started to really hit the fan. When the going gets tough the tough get going, he thought to himself bitterly as he grabbed Dean's note of the pillow.

                     _Sam, don't freak I just need a few days to cool off. Don't come after me, don't call, don't text, whatever._

_Just finish this job up, you don't need me to hold your hand._

_If I hear from you you'd better be dying or dead. - Dean_

 

    Sam rolled his eyes and lobbed the note into the trash. He'd gotten too many of the same notes, and was getting sick and tired of Dean's apathy. Maybe he should call, and pretend to be in serious danger, or maybe he should just not go looking for him. Because Dean always fucking expects Sam to run after him like some lovesick puppy. And he does, every time. "I am so whipped' Sam scoffed, shaking his head. "Alright Dean you wanna play this game? Lets do it, and this time I'm gonna win."

***

    Dean shifted in the wobbly wooden chair as he stared down his cell phone with a particularly bitter intensity. It had been almost a week since he had left Sam and every single day he'd almost called him. He should've called by now thought Dean anxiously he always calls by now. Actually Sam usually calls the minute he finds Dean gone, leaving a voice-mail full of curse words and winded speeches. But not this time. Maybe something was wrong? Something had to be wrong. Sam never does this. Dean paced the room, weighing his options. It had been three days, he could probably go back to Sam and keep most of his pride in tact. He could drive over and check on him, or call from a phone booth, just to hear his brothers voice. Dean shook his head stop being such a girl he told himself you're stronger than this. The truth was of course that he wasn't stronger than this, when it came to Sam he was soft. Sam was his weak spot. His Achilles heel, his be all and end all. Sam was... He was.. Dean collapsed onto his bed with a mournful sigh He was his everything, Dean could barley breathe without his brother. Being apart from him now left a dull ache in his limbs.

    Dean wondered briefly how their co-dependent mess of a relationship must look like to other people. Other people with siblings, God he was fucked up. Of all the people in the world it had to be his brother. What they had was beyond any kind of "brotherly love" at least Dean thought so, hoped so. The little voice of morality squeaked shrilly in the back of his skull, pushed back and repressed by years of repetition, we do what we do because we have to. It whispered, hissed, disgusting, sick, wrong, wrong, pathetic, that's incest Dean-o doesn't get much worse than that. Hope you like your cozy seat in hell because its reserved, your name on a little silver plaque, Dean Winchester the brotherfucker. He rubbed his eyes, and through the little galaxies behind his eyelids he saw Sam's face, and Dean was getting sick of thinking about that asshole all the time. It wasn't fair, that he had to be tortured like this by his own stupid brain. As it played and replayed 'Sam and Dean's Greatest Hits' most of it was Sam looking at him like he was the sun in the fucking sky and laughing that big beautiful laugh of his.

    Dean's vision clouded and his breath caught in his chest. He felt the panic.coming on, oh god oh god.oh god Dean clamped his eyes shut and took shallow breaths as Sam's smile turned cruel and warm hands turned to stone. Like so many times before Sam cursed him, mocked him, and renounced him. Beating him to a pulp with his fists and his words. When the fit passed Dean came to sweating and curled up in a ball on the floor, it was getting worse, just like before, and it wouldn't be long till he lost it and he always lost it. Dean took a shaky breath and rolled off of the bed, wiping the sweat from his forehead he reached for the bottle of whiskey on the bedside table.

...

Sam sparked wires under the hood of an old rusty Buick and swore harshly under his breath, fucking Dean Winchester would be the damned end of him that was for sure, he'd barely lasted a week without crawling back to his brother. Dean would probably skin him for dropping the case, but it had been a week and Sam had gotten nowhere. Whatever that thing was it hadn't struck again and all trace of it had vanished. So completely fed up, Sam had decided it was time to go get his brother back, if they were gonna solve this case they were gonna do it together. And Sam was worried, if Dean was having nightmares again it was only a matter of time before he lost it.

    It was late night when Sam pulled up to the last motel in the phone book of some middle of nowhere town in Ohio. It was a fair bet that Dean would be here, there's how way he left the state and Sam had this feeling his brother had gone south. It was a strange habit Dean had picked up from their father, whenever they got pissed off and hit the road, the road always seemed to be southbound. Sam slid a few bills over the counter and the girl behind it popped her gum and shrugged handing Sam the extra key to the room of a Mr. Plant, the lazy alias meant that on some level Dean wanted Sam to find him and he guessed that was a good sign. Same made his was to room number 12 and already had the key in the lock when he heard a low pained moaning coming from the other side of the door. Sam's pulse tripled and he felt the prickle of adrenaline starting to circulate his veins. Sam carefully pulled the handgun out of the back of his jeans and flung the door open. The figure on the bed was twisted in agony but was unmistakably Dean. But that wasn't what worried Sam; what worried Sam was the black swirling creature that hovered above his brother.

**Author's Note:**

> what do you guys think? any good? I'm gonna try for another chapter maybe later, after midterms.  
> XOXO  
> Meg


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